July 10, 2012
An Explanation from Mitt Romney
|
NEW YORK (
The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney today released this letter to the American people:
Dear American Person:
As many of you know, in recent days my opponent has spread the rumors
that 1.) I have refused to make my tax returns public and 2.) I have
hidden my money in bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans. These
two rumors, while true, have made me look very bad. So I thought I
would take this opportunity to explain my finances in terms even a poor
person could understand.
Let’s say you met the love of your life, and you wrote her a series of
passionate love letters. In these letters, you told her how you
intended to protect her, cherish her, and always keep her safe. And
then let’s say somebody went and told you that you had to make those
love letters available for the world to see. If you’re even half the
man I am, you’d say, “Heck no.”
Well, in my case, the love of my life is my money. (If you don't
believe me, ask Ann.) And my tax returns are like my love letters to my
money, detailing the lengths to which I’ll go to keep my precious money
from being taken away from me. If you think I should make those love
letters public, then I’m sorry, my friend, but you don’t believe in
love.
Now, let’s say you asked the love of your life to marry you, and you’re
fortunate enough that she said “yes.” Should someone be able to force
you to spend your honeymoon in a ratty room at some Motel 6, where God
knows what crackheads and whores slept before you? Or should you be
allowed to take your bride to a five-star Swiss chateau, perhaps, or an
exclusive beach on Grand Cayman? I think you can see where I’m going
with this.
In conclusion: if refusing to release my tax returns and having foreign
bank accounts is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I did it all for
love. And as your President, I promise I will never, ever come between
you and the thing you love. Unless you’re gay. (Laughing Out Loud.)
Vote for Me,
Mitt Romney
Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report here.
